Writing Postpartum
Something I struggled with was writing after having my daughter. She is 18 months now and I am barely finding my groove again. The first year after having a baby is emotionally one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. Your hormones are bonkers and you’re always exhausted. I didn’t have it in me to write. I try not to feel guilty about that, but I still find myself frustrated at a whole year “wasted.” I don’t like that word because time with my daughter is not and will never be a waste. But, I’m speaking to the missed opportunities for my writing - separate from my life as a whole.
You can force yourself to write, and sometimes you have to. When you have a deadline or things already in the works, there are times when you have no option. However, when you’re on the verge of a new project, or in between projects, you don’t have to force yourself to write. However, I would never recommend the route I took when I took a “break”. I quit everything for an entire year. Everything. I wasn’t writing and I wasn’t marketing my books.
I do believe that if you’re not in the head space to write/market then a break isn’t a terrible idea. Taking a planned break while still focusing on how/when to best move forward is completely different than dropping everything with no intention of pulling yourself out of that dark hole. For me it wasn’t just being busy with my son and a new baby. It was the inability to write. It was my lack of inspiration and will. I didn’t want to. During that time, my love of writing was hibernating. Those of you that have had children may know what I mean when I say one day I “woke up” and the year before felt like a dream. If you haven’t had kids it was truly like I was in a fog. I took care of my kids. We did things together. But, my life outside of them was a mess. I wasn’t keeping up with my work at the animal shelter and I wasn’t writing at all. I was lost. I was going through the motions for my children - but most days caring for them was the ONLY thing I did. No cleaning. No work. Nothing for me. I didn’t know how to make myself “snap out of it.”
This was a weird experience for me because it didn’t happen when I had my son. I wrote Soul Jumper almost entirely while pregnant and right after having my son. I would nurse him in my computer chair and write while he slept in my lap. I did have some anxiety after having him but it made me more productive, not less. It pushed me to clean, to work hard, to do everything I thought I had to in order to be a “good mom.”
Every pregnancy, like every child, is different. With my daughter, everything stopped. Productivity was non-existent.
I know now after two children and speaking to a lot of other moms that this is totally normal. It really does take a full year after a baby to feel like yourself again. When I did get to that point, I felt more motivated than I had in what felt like forever. I jumped immediately into finishing the Grand Mesa Men series. I had let my website lapse, so I started rebuilding and rewriting because I had lost everything, including all of my blog posts. It was difficult to take stock and realize how much I’d let disappear over those twelve months, but it also gave me an opportunity to think about my career goals and gave me the space to start again with those goals in mind.
Looking back now, I wish I had talked to someone. I was drowning and never said a word. I have people in my life I could’ve gone to. My husband. My parents. My grandparents. My brother. I’m not lacking a loving support system. When you’re in that cloud though, it’s impossible (or at least it was for me) to voice that. To say, I need help. To admit, I’m overwhelmed. To tell someone, I’m lost and I don’t know how to find my way back. Instead I waited. I took care of my kids and I waited for the feeling to pass. Thankfully, it eventually did. But, if you’re postpartum and find yourself in that haze I encourage you to tell someone else. You are not a bad person or bad mom if you’re anxious or depressed after having a baby.
I talk about this a lot now. To my mom. To my husband. I’ve posted about it too, because I never want another mother to feel like they’re alone or like they can’t ask for help. I’m always available if you’re going through something similar. Email me at shalanabattles@gmail.com
